I wasn't ready to be a mother. I kept telling myself I was; that I would be the best mother ever. I was wrong. The best I could hope for is that I was good enough to keep my baby safe and healthy. On February 23, 1996, my world shattered, and the only thing I could hope is that my baby would live.
That morning, my six month old son, Murphy, and I got in the car and headed toward my parent's house. You see, my father had died three days before, and the funeral was scheduled for the next afternoon. The weather wasn't the best, but it wasn't bad. As I was driving along the highway; a car was backing up in the passing lane of the interstate. By the time I realized what was happening, it was too late. There was a semi-truck on my right, and had I swerved left, the impact of the crash would have been directly on top of Murphy. So, I slammed on the breaks and crashed head on into the car that was backing up.
Murphy was taken to the local hospital and released, with the doctors assuring me that he was all right. I took him to his own pediatrician that afternoon, and was once again assured that my son was ok. That evening, Murphy began to throw up. He couldn't keep down formula, he couldn't keep down milk. He was sleeping constantly; not able to stay awake for more than a couple of minutes. The next day, I rushed him to the emergency room at the local hospital, and he was admitted. Two days later, after he had not improved, the doctors suggested he be transferred to University Hospitals in Iowa City, the closest hospital with pediatric specialists.
Murphy spent a week at University Hospitals. They ran numerous tests, and began a course of medicine that seemed to bring my baby back to life. After he was released, I thought things would get better. As it turns out, I was wrong. Two weeks after he was released, he was readmitted to University Hospitals. The neurosurgeon who took his case informed me that Murphy should never have left the hospital the first time. He had sustained a subdural hematoma (a blood clot on the brain), which was continuing to bleed into his brain cavity. Murphy's only chance of surviving would come in the form of a shunt that would be placed in his head, to drain excess fluid from his brain to his stomach (a subdural/peritoneal shunt). While they also believed that Murphy was hydrocephalic, the immediate concern was the subdural hematoma.
Two months after the initial car accident, April 8 (incidentally my birthday), Murphy had surgery. It was obviously what he needed, since less than two hours after brain surgery, he was released from pediatric intensive care, and placed in his own room. He was released from the hospital one week later.
In the 20 months since surgery, many things have happened. Originally, Murphy's neurosurgeon believed that he should develop normally once the surgery was completed. This was not the case. At one year, Murphy could barely sit up, and certainly wasn't scooting, crawling, or walking. He was also not very responsive to people, not even me or his grandmother. It was at this point that the decision was made to evaluate him. Fortunately, between the time of the initial consultation and the actual evaluation, Murphy began to respond to his environment. Did he just need time to recover from the massive physical injury? Did I do something different? I don't know; nor do I think I'll ever know.
At his first developmental evaluation (he was 15 months old), he had some widely varying abilities. He scored at an 11 month level cognitively, but only at six months in gross and fine motor skills; and at a 4 month level in communication and language. I wasn't devastated; I was more relieved that at least I had a starting point. I asked for, and received suggestions on how I could help Murphy. The physical and occupational therapists gave me several exercises I could do with Murphy. The speech-language pathologist told me that his language skills would develop as his gross and fine motor skills developed.
So, we went home, and we worked. We exercised, we read books. We played, we ate. The next evaluation occurred six months later (Murphy was now 20 months old). All the therapists involved agreed that he was a completely different child. He could walk, he could crawl (actually he learned to walk first, then crawl). He was eating almost normally, he could use his fingers with the dexterity expected. His speech was still delayed, but was progressing. I was overjoyed.
During that same year, Murphy also had three CAT scans, to determine if his shunt was still functioning normally. Thank goodness, it was. By last August, the excess fluid from the subdural cavity was gone. He was upgraded from subdural hematoma patient to hydrocephalic patient. Once again, I couldn't have been happier.
Make no mistake, Murphy has a long way to go, and I know it won't be easy. He is still almost a year behind in speech/language development, and almost 4 months behind in motor skill development. He is already enrolled in early education programs in our local school district, and he works with the early childhood specialist twice a month. He is still hydrocephalic, and it might require another shunt in a different part of his brain. He suffers frequent ear and respiratory infections, and spends most of the winter (we live in Iowa) on anti-pneumonia antibiotics (he had pneumonia last year).
But, even with all of his problems, and all the uncertainty facing the both of us, I wouldn't trade him for anything. He is my baby, the thing that brings me the most joy. He is the happiest child I have ever known; always laughing or smiling; only crying when he is hurt or scared. At two, he lives life more fully than I believe I ever have, and I look forward to sharing that life with him.
HEY! Here is an update: He is 8 as of August 29, 2003, and is fantastic! He's in 2nd grade (go Mur!), and is quite possibly the happiest child ever. Is it all roses? No, but considering he was never supposed to walk, talk, or be anything other than a vegetable, it's pretty darn good!
Here he is (Murphy is on the left, stuffing his fingers in his mouth. The other little boy is his cousin, Sam):